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Visiting the Philippines: A Guide To Foreigners
Fri, Aug 22, 2008 by Pandaemonaeon
For many years, the Philippines has served as a popular tourist destination and stop-over for various foreign entities which include (but are not limited to) NBA players, actors, and high-profile musicians (in this case, "high-profile" referring to quartets of septuagenarians whose last album came out 40 years ago).
With this comes a daunting task, so great that many visitors end up cancelling their appointment out of fear: being interviewed by the local media. Having no idea what the country is about other than maybe their prized boxer and as a hub for sexually transmitted diseases, you fidget at the thought of being tongue-tied in front of the cameras, forever persecuted as an ignorant oaf.
Well never fear, The 15th Parallel is here to extend our help! In this guide, we're going to fill you with so much ready-made answers that any anxieties of making an ass out of one's self after stepping into this tropical domain will soon be forgotten.
The works of our fathers
Never forget to name drop a famous local icon that corresponds to your field. Are you a film maker? Claim that you've been inspired by the works of Lino Brocka and his movie about a claw in a light fixture and mating plates. Are you a musician? Jasmine Trias are the large shoes you have to fill, mate. Are you a basketball star? we know it's a tough one to swallow but pretend that the national team is good and how they only need a few years of chemistry in their belt to seriously compete with the powerhouse teams like Burkina Faso and Taiwan.
Oh and don't forget about Ninoy Aquino! Rumor has it that guy revolutionized the world but goddamnit, he's so underrated!
Learn basic Tagalog
Yes, we know what you're thinking: if their national team could barely speak Tagalog, why should I? Well, you're not the athlete; they are! Having promised half of the national sports budget to rewards and incentives when an athlete brings home a medal rather than to the training and facilities needed to accomplish the rare feat to begin with, they usually outsource foreign athletes with little Filipino pedigree -- which is why they're treated with utmost care and regard.
That said, knowing some basic Tagalog helps a lot, even though almost everyone prefers the English counterpart these days. A few ones that should get you started:
Claim you like Filipino foods
This is a foolproof technique commonly used by Filipino-Americans and it never, ever fails. It's so reliable that the exact quote is often used as the banner for leading newspapers next to other world-class titles such as "Pinoy foot masseuse for Kyrgyzstan's prime minister" or "Taxi driver returns lost cellphone".
Don't worry, you don't actually have to eat it; it's inconsequential to them. A quote is all they need. Bonus points if you manage to ret-con that it's your mother's cooking! The foods you should cite in order of importance:
Popularized by General Douglas McArthur (albeit in a dire context), exclaiming that you're coming back to Filipinos is a lot like the words "typhoon" and "recess" to students; it induces cart wheels and euphoria.
Others take it a step further by setting a return date as early as next month or plan on buying permanent housing (usually on a far location nobody knows about) but expectedly, it never comes into fruition. That's totally irrelevant though since the objective is to please the interviewer momentarily.
I'm coming, Philippines!
Hopefully this article has served you wacky foreigners well. If not, then it's a good 5-minute distraction which we think is also an equally enjoyable endeavor. Now hop on that plane!
Fri, Aug 22, 2008 by Pandaemonaeon
For many years, the Philippines has served as a popular tourist destination and stop-over for various foreign entities which include (but are not limited to) NBA players, actors, and high-profile musicians (in this case, "high-profile" referring to quartets of septuagenarians whose last album came out 40 years ago). With this comes a daunting task, so great that many visitors end up cancelling their appointment out of fear: being interviewed by the local media. Having no idea what the country is about other than maybe their prized boxer and as a hub for sexually transmitted diseases, you fidget at the thought of being tongue-tied in front of the cameras, forever persecuted as an ignorant oaf.
Well never fear, The 15th Parallel is here to extend our help! In this guide, we're going to fill you with so much ready-made answers that any anxieties of making an ass out of one's self after stepping into this tropical domain will soon be forgotten.
The works of our fathers
Never forget to name drop a famous local icon that corresponds to your field. Are you a film maker? Claim that you've been inspired by the works of Lino Brocka and his movie about a claw in a light fixture and mating plates. Are you a musician? Jasmine Trias are the large shoes you have to fill, mate. Are you a basketball star? we know it's a tough one to swallow but pretend that the national team is good and how they only need a few years of chemistry in their belt to seriously compete with the powerhouse teams like Burkina Faso and Taiwan.
Oh and don't forget about Ninoy Aquino! Rumor has it that guy revolutionized the world but goddamnit, he's so underrated!
Learn basic Tagalog
Yes, we know what you're thinking: if their national team could barely speak Tagalog, why should I? Well, you're not the athlete; they are! Having promised half of the national sports budget to rewards and incentives when an athlete brings home a medal rather than to the training and facilities needed to accomplish the rare feat to begin with, they usually outsource foreign athletes with little Filipino pedigree -- which is why they're treated with utmost care and regard.
That said, knowing some basic Tagalog helps a lot, even though almost everyone prefers the English counterpart these days. A few ones that should get you started:
- ''Kumusta (Hello)'' - just because it means "hello" doesn't mean you'll have to say it when asking for directions to the nearest brothel.
- ''Salamat (Thank you)'' - use it to politely turn down ridiculous dares and questions like "love team" overtures.
- ''Putangina, barat (Son of a bitch, lowballer)'' - a line you would often hear and probably deserve because 1 peso is not equivalent to a dollar, you cheap cunt. But then again, these people would scoff at anything that can't be inhaled.
- ''Paalam (Goodbye)'' - a phrase you would see on every guide book but nobody actually says, so don't.
- ''Oo/Hindi (Yes/no)'' - use this to answer yes or no questions (doi), most especially when talking to anyone with an unkempt appearance lest you be the butt of jokes by jackass construction workers and ice cramble vendors who find white people talking in English deeply hilarious.
Claim you like Filipino foods This is a foolproof technique commonly used by Filipino-Americans and it never, ever fails. It's so reliable that the exact quote is often used as the banner for leading newspapers next to other world-class titles such as "Pinoy foot masseuse for Kyrgyzstan's prime minister" or "Taxi driver returns lost cellphone".
Don't worry, you don't actually have to eat it; it's inconsequential to them. A quote is all they need. Bonus points if you manage to ret-con that it's your mother's cooking! The foods you should cite in order of importance:
- Adobo
- Pancit Canton
- Street cuisine like balut, adidas, fish balls or isaw - take your pick
- Halo Halo
Popularized by General Douglas McArthur (albeit in a dire context), exclaiming that you're coming back to Filipinos is a lot like the words "typhoon" and "recess" to students; it induces cart wheels and euphoria.
Others take it a step further by setting a return date as early as next month or plan on buying permanent housing (usually on a far location nobody knows about) but expectedly, it never comes into fruition. That's totally irrelevant though since the objective is to please the interviewer momentarily.
I'm coming, Philippines!
Hopefully this article has served you wacky foreigners well. If not, then it's a good 5-minute distraction which we think is also an equally enjoyable endeavor. Now hop on that plane!
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